-You’ll Never Know Unless You TRY-
Y’all bear with me today, as I am prompted to write this post while reflecting on some deep stuff. One of my friends lost her 21-year-old brother in a tragic boating accident this weekend. I’m not wanting to talk about tragedy or death…i’m wanting to talk about the fact that life is precious. Life is a gift. The older I get, the more this becomes obvious to me. We are each given the opportunity to do amazing things with our lives. The majority would rather settle for average, while some would rather waste the gift of life that’s been given to them. The rest of us? Well, we’re following our dreams. We are doing all we can to put what our hearts say into action.
Without any warning, your life or the life of someone you love can be cut short. Live each day as if it were your last.
I’m assuming most of you guys are with me on this. If you’ve been keeping up with my blog for a while, you’ve probably gotten to know more about me & therefore realize that I refuse to live a life of “not trying.” You may realize that there’s a lot more to me than meets the eye. I can be very deep at times, and although I have fun with my life, i’m pretty selective with who I choose to “let in.” I used to journal and write poetry a lot. I need to get back into doing this…i’ll add this to my “ME” board! 🙂
Without getting overly-wordy and dragging you into my childhood, I spent my grade school years as a happy-go-lucky kid. I was athletic, creative, and for the most part, carefree. Then we moved before I started 7th grade, and I became a different person. I became really self-conscious and withdrawn, and learned to hide my emotions. I didn’t cry. I had friends and I had gymnastics, but I made myself crazy with being a perfectionist and worrier. I kinda got lost for a while. Then, here comes high school and my parents started having problems. Anorexia pushed it’s way in, and became my best friend. As a perfectionist, I became really really good “at” anorexia, as well as making it seem like I was okay. I became a really good actress. This is gonna sound a bit odd, but I tried my hardest to be the best anorexic I could be…but most of the time, I convinced myself I wasn’t good enough. I know, I know, that sounds weird.
Essentially, I was like this shell of a person. My heart hurt, my brain was controlled by my eating disorder, and I didn’t really care about tomorrow.
Then came the day I “woke up.” I will never forget it. I was about to be a freshman at Texas Tech, and I was working out with dumbbells at Bodyworks. Bodyworks was the first gym I ever worked out at (not including Parke Way when we’d use the Nautilus machines after diving practice for conditioning). Bodyworks was my home. Bodyworks basically saved my life. I know that sounds cheesy, but I convinced my mom to let me join the gym so I could accelerate my unhealthy behavior. I told her I wanted to be healthy, but in reality it was the opposite. Anyhow, on this particular day, I remember standing there…looking in the mirror…and being disgusted by what I saw. My eyes had black circles under them, my hair was like straw, and I weighed 89 pounds. It was like that day, I “woke up” and realized how unhealthy I was, and from that point on I made the decision to become healthy.
My decision to change was difficult. It took a long time to get to the point where I am today. I became addicted to working out, and although this may be considered a “good” addiction to some, it wasn’t a positive one in many ways for me. Why? It was all I thought about. I found something that I enjoyed doing, yet it was something I “had” to do. I couldn’t find balance. I had to eat every three hours. I became obsessed with supplements, muscle/fitness magazines, exercises, sets, reps, muscles, you name it. I ate, lived, and breathed bodybuilding. Working out was just another means of running away from “stuff” I couldn’t deal with. I had the “more is better” mentality and it wasn’t strange for me to hit the gym 2-3 times a day. Working out defined who I was. Hell, I paid $5k for fake boobs, had bleache-blonde hair, and wore a bikini and hooker heels onstage. If you really “know” me, you know this is completely NOT me. I had no other identity but “that really buff blonde trainer chick.”
I had several “waking up” moments since then.
You see, an eating disorder creeps into your mind…it holds your heart hostage…it takes over your life…it WAS my life…for years and years, in some form or fashion. I simply wasn’t ready to TRY to let go of it. Although it was such a struggle, it was easier to stay trapped in the insanity than to step outside and LIVE.
Roughly seven years ago, I made the decision, once and for all, to stand up for myself and LIVE. I let go of a bunch of crap and decided that I simply was not going to make apologies to anyone for my life, career, etc. I decided it was ridiculous to be living a life that wasn’t dictated by my goals and dreams. I was not being myself, and it was time I changed that. Here I sit today, and I can honestly say that I am constantly amazed at how wonderful my life is. It’s as if every day, there is something amazing that happens to me. I train some great people. I help people on the Internet. I get props from other fitness professionals and get to return the favor! I have some amazing people in my life…near and far. My friends here in Baton Rouge look out for me and want the best for me. Everyone is so supportive of my dreams and goals.
I don’t feel like i’m letting life pass me by anymore. I’m the one in charge. I am giving everything my best shot, because you know what? I may not be here tomorrow. I want to be able to look back on my life and feel a sense of pride. I am happy to say that when my time comes, I will be able to look back and realize i’ve helped many people simply by doing what I love.
Nowadays, i’m proud to say that I embrace life, as much as I can. I have gone through so much that it’s almost as if I have no worries. I have been blessed and have been given numerous second chances. I refuse to take life for granted, and perhaps that’s why when I see people being complacent more often than not, it frustrates the hell out of me. We all aren’t as fortunate.
Step outside your box, people. Don’t let anyone or anything tell you that you MUST adhere to a certain set of rules. Make your own rules! That’s what I do! 🙂 Life is a wild, crazy ride, and i’m having a blast with it…y’all comin’ with me?
Yours in Health,